Wednesday, 23 June 2010

sun sun sun *bounce*

Its hotter than the sun today and the office of death feels like its been relocated into satans back yard.

The retards are rife with lies and laziness today, but I feel surprisingly awake – all last week I was having a mega struggle with the heat and concentration, but I have taken to drinking lots of water, and sitting outside at lunchtimes to get away from my desk. Its made a vast improvement.

My wonderful chap is taking me to the coast on Friday – im very much looking forwards to spending a nice carefree day with him where we don’t have to consider anyone else, and we are not tied to schedules or plans. Im hoping there will be strolling, ice cream, hugging, and general paying out and having fun. I might even get to build a sandcastle!

I can tick one item off my list *beams* - I finally did the second coat of gloss on the side of the bath!! Hurrah, its only taken about a year! What a nightmare – al my own doing of course, but now im spending more time in my own house I can get these things done! It looks beautiful. I also did the door frame, and one side of the door. If we don’t train tonight I will continue and leave my chap to enjoy his boy night in alone, as it is ended up to be his only night off, and I don’t want to deny him of that.

Eep, everything is looking up today :)

Monday, 21 June 2010

i lost my butterflies, but lookslike not forever...


Ive let things slip again, I know im sorry. I used to find blogging a way to vent all the tings that played on my mind, good or bad, interesting or not, but ive let it go recently – I am unsure as to whether this is due to me having a way to vent these thought and feelings in reality, thus negating the need to write it down (if I do, I don’t know what or where it is), or maybe my inner voice(s) has gotten so small that I no longer exist in my own head. Given the events of the past 3-6 months, im thinking it’s a combination of both these things.

Im reluctant to go into details, only because I don’t feel the need to. I have justified many things to myself in my own mind, and the road I took was a necessity. It involved hurting someone I loved deeply at one point, but have since realised that I have to put myself first to achieve true happiness. I could have continued bumbling along, rubbing shoulders with my best friend for the rest of my days, and been content in many ways I suppose. But is that really what being happy is about?! There MUST be some level of selfishness involved, as since this goes against every fibre of my natural form, I found it a very difficult concept to grasp. All I know is that things shifted in my mind, and I needed to prioritise myself, and those that depend entirely on me for their existence. I used to be a very strong, highly independent person, and although I appreciate that you are allowed to lower the defences with your partner, it is exactly that, a partnership, and both lives should be taken into account and enriched – one person should not live for, and revolve around the other. So changes had to be made, difficult as they were. I realise now that the shutters have been up for a while. Things do not go unnoticed.
my outlook now is a positive one – I can feel my inner self recovering from suppression, and I still hold myself responsible for the immense hurt I have caused to one of my oldest fiends. People who care about me will call me foolish, but I don’t wish pain on anyone I care for (obviously I wish pain on most other people I have to endure on a daily basis). Im just going to dwell on that for a few mins, while I make my lunch. Im hoping the ‘dwell’ times are also going to decrease with time as they do like to catch me off-guard and cause upset….

Back. chicken was spicier than anticipated, but mayo helped.
Anyhoo, as I was saying, its not such a bad thing – things can only get better and all that nonsense, but they have, quite quickly. Ive had exactly the right support from someone highly unexpected. There is a person, who for the last few years has caught my eye as being beautiful, but untouchable, and it turns out that they are touchable afterall. Its been a strange adventure – ive gone from not physically being able to look them in the eye (immensely beautiful – I think it was for fear of getting lost…) to now being THE most comfortable I have ever been with another human being in my entire life. Its immensely bizarre, and quite frankly scares the shit out of me.
So that’s where I am. Happy, but nervous, and eternally punishing myself, but im sure that will ease off with time. for now, a healthy look forwards is where my heart lies, and it does seem it will have a friend to hold its hand.