Monday, 21 June 2010

i lost my butterflies, but lookslike not forever...


Ive let things slip again, I know im sorry. I used to find blogging a way to vent all the tings that played on my mind, good or bad, interesting or not, but ive let it go recently – I am unsure as to whether this is due to me having a way to vent these thought and feelings in reality, thus negating the need to write it down (if I do, I don’t know what or where it is), or maybe my inner voice(s) has gotten so small that I no longer exist in my own head. Given the events of the past 3-6 months, im thinking it’s a combination of both these things.

Im reluctant to go into details, only because I don’t feel the need to. I have justified many things to myself in my own mind, and the road I took was a necessity. It involved hurting someone I loved deeply at one point, but have since realised that I have to put myself first to achieve true happiness. I could have continued bumbling along, rubbing shoulders with my best friend for the rest of my days, and been content in many ways I suppose. But is that really what being happy is about?! There MUST be some level of selfishness involved, as since this goes against every fibre of my natural form, I found it a very difficult concept to grasp. All I know is that things shifted in my mind, and I needed to prioritise myself, and those that depend entirely on me for their existence. I used to be a very strong, highly independent person, and although I appreciate that you are allowed to lower the defences with your partner, it is exactly that, a partnership, and both lives should be taken into account and enriched – one person should not live for, and revolve around the other. So changes had to be made, difficult as they were. I realise now that the shutters have been up for a while. Things do not go unnoticed.
my outlook now is a positive one – I can feel my inner self recovering from suppression, and I still hold myself responsible for the immense hurt I have caused to one of my oldest fiends. People who care about me will call me foolish, but I don’t wish pain on anyone I care for (obviously I wish pain on most other people I have to endure on a daily basis). Im just going to dwell on that for a few mins, while I make my lunch. Im hoping the ‘dwell’ times are also going to decrease with time as they do like to catch me off-guard and cause upset….

Back. chicken was spicier than anticipated, but mayo helped.
Anyhoo, as I was saying, its not such a bad thing – things can only get better and all that nonsense, but they have, quite quickly. Ive had exactly the right support from someone highly unexpected. There is a person, who for the last few years has caught my eye as being beautiful, but untouchable, and it turns out that they are touchable afterall. Its been a strange adventure – ive gone from not physically being able to look them in the eye (immensely beautiful – I think it was for fear of getting lost…) to now being THE most comfortable I have ever been with another human being in my entire life. Its immensely bizarre, and quite frankly scares the shit out of me.
So that’s where I am. Happy, but nervous, and eternally punishing myself, but im sure that will ease off with time. for now, a healthy look forwards is where my heart lies, and it does seem it will have a friend to hold its hand.


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